“So where do you go for worship?” a colleague asked. A small group of us were gathered at a table at a professional development workshop for seminary faculty, discussing our personal faith practices.
“I gave up church for Lent,” I told her.
“But Lent has been over for a while now,” my colleague said with a questioning look. She had a point. It was nearly Pentecost and even now, with the start of a new Christian year on the horizon, I have yet to return to my place of worship. At this point, rather than saying, “I gave up church for Lent,” perhaps I should be saying simply, “I gave up church.”
I haven’t been back to my local church for many reasons. Mostly, I could no longer stomach the way church contradicts my deeply held theological convictions about who God is, how God acts in the world, and how the people of God are to act in the world. These include beliefs about gender equality, the dignity and rights of LGBTQ persons, racial justice, and environmental issues. Indeed, in the aftermath of the overwhelming support of white Christians for an overtly racist, xenophobic, misogynist candidate for president, I can no longer pretend that these are “fringe” issues that distract us from the real mission of the Church, or “controversial matters that church leaders need to introduce gently and slowly.” For me, they have become non-negotiables.
I gave up church because I can no longer make the trade-offs between worship, theology, mission, and community that I have made for years. My congregational options usually seem to consist of historically Black church settings with prophetic preaching and action on issues of racial and social justice, but that reject women’s call to pastoral leadership; predominantly white churches that profess gender and sexual inclusivity, but are experienced as oppressive by people of color; and multiracial churches whose preaching, worship, and leadership are oriented to the comfort of white, middle-class Christians (which is, incidentally, an act of white supremacy). I gave up church because fitting into any of the spaces required me to conceal or contort too much of my womanist self. I gave up church because I cannot seem to find a place where I can worship God with my whole being. And I am not alone.
While much of the dialogue on church decline has focused on the “nones,” the growing U.S. population who do not identify with any formal religious or spiritual tradition, there is a quiet exodus of committed Christians from traditional churches. The exodus cuts across denominations, ordination status, race, age, gender, and sexual orientation. This is not a movement of the “un-saved,” “backsliders,” or “ex-Christians.” It includes ordained clergy and lay ministers, seminary faculty and students, and highly biblically-literate laity who deeply love Jesus and are firm in our Christian convictions. We “opt out” of church on Sunday mornings not because we do not want to attend church, but because we cannot find a church to attend.
We are people who take seriously what Jesus said in Matthew 25 when he stated that the test of true discipleship was solidarity and service with the “least of these.” But rarely can we find a church that makes solidarity and service its central focus. Instead, we encounter churches that endorse such hate-filled and theologically vacuous declarations such as the Nashville Statement opposing homosexuality and same-sex marriage; that refuse to engage anti-Black police violence, mass deportations of immigrant families, and unjust prison systems; that shun, silence, and demonize leaders that it deems too outspoken on matters of justice. We find ourselves feeling the deep discontent with cultural Christianity that Howard Thurman described in Jesus and the Disinherited:
“To those who need profound succor and strength to enable them to live in the present with dignity and creativity, Christianity often has been sterile and of little avail. The conventional Christian word is muffled, confused, and vague. Too often the price exacted by society for security and respectability is that the Christian movement in its formal expression must be on the side of the strong against the weak.”
We cannot find Jesus in church and we have decided, at least for a time, to stop looking for him there. Many of us find Jesus much more readily outside the walls of traditional churches: in protests for racial, gender, immigrant, LGBTQ, and environmental justice; at vigils outside prisons as states prepare to execute God’s beloved; in profanity-laced conversations with homeless persons, prostitutes, and drug dealers; and in gatherings with Muslims, Buddhists, agnostics, and atheists who work together to confront unjust laws. We find Jesus in the laughter of children, the love of our families, and the beauty of nature.
For many of us, myself included, giving up church is not the same as giving up on church. We believe that the church is called to be the body of Christ here on earth and that our Christian journey is to be lived out in community. Even in our exile, we long for and value being part of communities that shape, sharpen, and nurture us. We often maintain connections to congregations in other parts of the country, live-streaming worship services where we know we can find a good word. When our social media feeds light up with news of powerful preaching at ministry conferences, we tune in quickly. Our spiritual disciplines might even include intentional attendance at conferences or retreats where we experience community with other Christians who are committed to justice, healing, and liberation for the marginalized.
For me, giving up church during this season is part of an ongoing journey toward my own healing and liberation. It is a chance to wrest myself free of the colonized Christianity that dominates the U.S., and to grapple with a question inspired by Thurman: What word does Christianity have to offer for those of us who live with our backs constantly against the walls of white supremacist heterosexist patriarchal ableist capitalism? It’s not a word I hear coming from the church.
Perhaps, though, that word is to be found in some of the alternative Christian communities developing primarily among millennials of color and others who yearn for authentic, relational, and justice-oriented expressions of faith. These include formal and informal gatherings in homes, bars, coffee houses, and school auditoriums where people tackle tough questions about faith (and not just Christianity); where they venerate poetry as canonical expressions of who God is and what God is doing in the world; where the hymnody includes Beyoncé’s “Freedom,” Kendrick Lamar’s “Fear,” and Susan Werner’s “Why Is Your Heaven So Small;” where they pour libations to the ancestors; where they meditate and walk labyrinths; where they talk self-care and empowerment and learn to love and accept themselves as “fearfully and wonderfully made” in the image of God (Psalm 139:14); and where they support and sustain one another as they engage in the struggle for justice in the world. They are places where people find Jesus.
These communities are often small and scattered. They usually exist outside, or even between, denominational boundaries. They often do not call themselves church, but that is precisely what they are. It is my hope that they will become a leavening agent for U.S. Christianity and that one day they will be the normative image of what “church” is. Or at the very least, perhaps they will proliferate enough that those of us in Christian exile can more readily connect with them.
The forty-days of Lent are long over and we are approaching the season of Advent, where we celebrate the God who comes. But I continue to mourn the death of the church’s prophetic and life-giving witness in this modern Christian landscape of prosperity theology, nationalism, and patriarchy. I am still sitting in the despair and solace of Holy Saturday, waiting for the church to be resurrected. So perhaps the next time that someone asks me where I go to church, I’ll say, “I’m still waiting outside the tomb, looking for Jesus.”
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Thankyou so much for this spiritual confirmation, this push to continue on this journey. My theology is in the midst of an life altering shift, which is very scary. I never thought such a thing would happen, but I’m embracing it. I have no idea where I fit, but I think my spirit is yearning for it to be outside of the walls of the church, sadly stated. Although I would be ecstatic to fit inside those walls, I feel a great sense freedom outside of them.
The freedom was initially terrifying for me. Even as my theology has evolved considerably over the past 20 years, I have always stayed connected to a local church. I have always tried to fit in. But I finally realized that I was losing parts of myself each time that I did.
Yes, confirmation for me as well. The inner batter to continue to sit within those four walls was becoming more than I could handle. I’m so thankful that now I can identify my internal battle. There have been times when I could not articulate what was going on but I knew I was being led outside of the four walls of church. I could not see the love of Christ in the traditional religious churches. The church has conformed to the secular world, its so scary.
I tell people I am on sabbatical from regular church attendance. In reality, it feels like detox. But the stages of grief are in there too, over loss of community. Leaving was the right thing for me.
The grief is real. It comes more intermittently for me now, but it still comes.
Dear Chanequa and others,
I hope you will accept my personal invitation to attend an Episcopal Church near you, where you will find people like Presiding Bishop Michael Curry, Stephanie Spellers, Gay Jennings, Bishop Rob Wright, and many more. See episcopalchurch.org/page/women-church for starters. Blessings and thanks, Donald
Thanks for the invitation, Donald. This is not an issue about denominational identity. I have plenty of Episcopalian friends who sit at home on Sunday mornings for the same reasons that I’ve described here. While every denomination has exemplars of prophetic moral leadership, unfortunately they are the rare exception far more often than they are the rule.
Dear Dr. Walker-Barnes,
Can the church say Amen!
This is such an important piece and I am so grateful for you expressing what many of us have thought and are experiencing. I have attempted to work from the inside to effect change. I have been exposed to things that are never discussed similar to the teachings of Richard Rhor, Cynthia Bourgeault, and the Buddha. Sometimes I wonder about taking a leave of absence… We shall see where the Spirit leads!
Blessings to you,
Kristy
Kristy – I think every reform movement (and I pray that’s what is happening with the church right now) needs people who leave and people who stay. Those who stay push for change from the inside, while those who leave pull for it from the outside. Both are important. Keep listening to Spirit!
We must be careful in our leaving not to be part of the problem we have created by our silence in the face of hypocrisy. In our journey, we must accept others who are on their own journey not just throw them by the wayside as undesirable but engage them in conversation about their faith. I see a real elitism in some who pass by church involvement that was not present in Jesus’ life and ministry!
Wilma, trust and believe many of us have not been silent as it relates to the injustices in churches. We end up fighting more battles in the church rather than with the church on issues we all need to be addressing. Church has become a “message of the week” meeting place and has not held itself up to its own standards.
I thought the “Lent” comment looked familiar. It is refreshing, yet sad, to have confirmation of the tiring struggles in religion. I really have no desire to pastor a traditional church for the very reasons you mention. I have not given up on church, but I have found that church is not big enough for my faith perspective and refuse to give up because of the intolerant spirit of others.
Corey – this is one of the reasons that I write this article. I want people to realize that some of the people walking away from the church are deeply in love with Jesus and with the idea of church. I also think the Spirit is at work in this movement away from the church. I think it’s Barbara Brown Taylor who’s pointed out that the church seems to undergo a tremendous shift about every 500 years. It may not be coincidence that so many of us are feeling this way on the 500th anniversary of the Reformation.
I agree with the feelings of alienation and of exile, of profound disgust and disappointment in the church and the insular, unwelcoming, too-often oppressive ways the church has used its power. But I have not been able to theologically justify leaving the church for my own healing and liberation, at least not permanently. To me, that gives in to the perverse individualism of our culture that has very little to do with the message of the Gospel. I had to leave the congregation I got married in because of a sin the pastor committed then blamed on me. But I can’t leave forever, not if I want to remain in the faith.
I have *felt* “I love Jesus but hate the church” but I have not felt okay leaving it there. It would be like someone coming to me saying, “I love you but I hate your husband” and expecting me to be okay with that. I’ve struggled with going regularly to church, but I don’t think the answer to how broken the church is to leave it. What I want to say to everyone who’s left the church for extremely valid reasons is that we need to *fix* the church. We are the people we seek.
This is an important point. We are all products of our culture and time. It takes courage to face ourselves and own up to our own contribution too. Is there a Spirit-led, humble way to go about this? I believe so. God be with us all and bring us back as His bride being perfected.
I think these are always important points for self-reflection in anyone’s decision to leave. However, I would be remiss not to point out that for women, gender socialization is often a bigger influence on our decisions to stay than is Scripture. I’ve written about this in detail elsewhere, but the church disproportionately teaches women that staying and suffering is the sign of true discipleship, and that silence is the same as humility. I am in a long line of womanist theologians who reject those teachings as being spiritually dangerous for women, especially women of color. Staying can sometimes contribute to the problem. Leaving can sometimes be holy. That’s why Jesus instructed the disciples to shake the dust off their feet.
Thank you for this article. I’m a minister transitioning from my tradition toThe-“Church”-of- I-Know-Not-What … It seems that [almost all?] traditional religions/denominations have lost their connection with the vitality of today’s world. …. And the only hope is to “roll our own”, perhaps a matter of the evolutionary activity of transcending and including (that which is helpful).
I use the acronym “S.M.I.R.F” as I walk forward – that the criteria for the work is that it needs to be “Spiritfully Meaningful, Inspirational, Relevant, and Fun!” [we could substitute “Uplifting” for “Inspirational” and let it be SMURF-like 🙂 ].
Most of all it would be helpful to be in communion with others interested in dialoguing about new approaches…. Any suggestions on that?
Keep talking about what you’re experiencing. Find a community of others who feel the same way. And in the meantime, stay in love with God, do good, and do no harm (I may be walking away from the church but I’m still Wesleyan!).
I serve a traditional majority white church, and I wish on many days that God would call me out of it, but God keeps calling me into it. Please pray for those privileged churches on which some who serve in them are not so privelaged as to choose to do something else.
Joe – I’m definitely praying for you. As I stated in response to someone else, I think every movement for change requires some to work from the inside and some to work from the outside. If you’re called and equipped to be a catalyst for change from the inside, embrace that. Just try to maintain connections with people who can support and sustain you.
Doctor,
I’m curious….you talk of mourning the death of the modern Christian church and waiting for its resurrection. What period of time in church history do you define as the glory days? I would submit there are many signs of progress and cannot think of a time in church history when there were more signs of acceptance, diversity and honest discussion. When do you want to return to….the 50’s? ’60’s? The 1800’s? Cesar’s rule? Can you help your readers understand? Was it ever good? If we wait for the Christian Church to be perfect.. man will wait forever.
Karen VP
Great questions! I see signs of progress and regress. I’m not sure where you read me as wanting or expecting perfection. I’ve never expected that. The church is comprised of people and so it will always be messy. As I tell my students, Jesus knew that we were going to mess this up and He came anyway! But we can be messy without being oppressive. And in far too many places, the church is unrepentantly oppressive.
Homosexuality is clearly condemned throughout the Bible. Your leaving the church is reminiscent of 1 John 2:19
Recently retired from teaching in San Francisco Bay Area public schools. Reading about racial reconciliation in “Let Justice Roll Down” just now. Was unaware of the Nashville Statement. I read it and wonder what part you find is “hate-filled?”
I’m not Chanequa, Terry, but my answer to your question would be…all of it.
Bex took my answer.
I believe the only way towards reconciliation is to stop using names (haters, LGBT, liberals, conservatives, progressives, etc.), and recognize we are all persons seeking the only true happiness, which is the eternal love of God.
I have many friends who are in one of the LGBTQ categories. We don’t hate each other because our desires are different, or even because we disagree on which way leads to happiness. I do not hate my friends because they go to a church which they believe teaches the truth, and they don’t hate me because I go to a church which I believe teaches the truth. Because we love each other, we can discuss these things with vulnerability, purpose, and openness, recognizing that no matter what we are currently convinced of, we are all seeking the true way to happiness.
Sadly, many people have never even heard of progressive Christian congregations. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Here are seven ways to find a progressive Christian congregation: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rogerwolsey/2014/01/7-ways-to-find-a-progressive-church/
Most of us are still trying to raise the word of GOD,,The people who think they are superior can’t raise the dead heal the sick and give sight to the blind by the word of God,,,Master bob church,,,Master Charlie church,,,where is the church of God,,Revelation 2/2,,,sitting on the jury,,,,,,,,,,putting all the of one race in jail,,and keeping all the money,,,the superior people,,,,who are the real sons of GOD,,,
Hey!
The church as the body of Christ made up of believers in Jesus Christ, the communion of the saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Must visit my site you’ll feel really better and there are many ways to make personal relationships with God, verbally inspired by God, the complete and sufficient revelation of His will for salvation and conduct.
I realized that, after attending church my whole life, I was no longer looking forward to Sunday and church. Rather when Saturday came around, I dreaded the next day. I was so tired of being careful with my body language and being required to read others’ body language. I was tired of the jockeying for positions. I was tired of the gamesmanship. So at a convenient transition in the ministry in which we were involved, my wife and I took a break. That was ten years ago and now, at the age of 66, the thing I feel most guilty about is that I don’t feel guilty. My wife and I have more quality time as we both still work during the week. I know my neighbors like I’ve never known my neighbors. We do miss the fellowship but not enough to attend. I keep reading about how millennials aren’t attending church and their reasons. As a senior citizen, I share many of their frustrations. I do love Jesus. I just don’t like the church campus which is no longer sanctuary, but rather is an organization with programs, models, and icons. If only it could be a place of solace and love. One last thought, I enjoy worshipping with fellow believers but I don’t enjoy being worshipped AT.
I have been a pastor for over 30 years. I have had love-hate relationship with the church for many years. Howver, I love the people I lead and serve at the Emmanuel Baptsit Chuch of Brooklyn (EBC). EBC, which remains rooted in the gospel and is guided by the Holy Spirit, is anything but traditional. We have sought to be culturally relevant, innovative, cutting-edge in our presentation of the gospel. At the same time, we remain anchored in the core values of Christianity and Jesus revolutionary, healing, and redemptive vision of the Reign (Kingdom) of God. I mention this not to self-promoting. Quite the contrary, I mention our church to illuminate the fact there are other churches out there which are equally progressive, inclusive, and prophetic which operate beneath the common cultural radar. I will not suggest that there are a gaggle of them because they’re not. Still, I argue they can be found if you search for them as you would for the best school, doctor, grocery store if you have very particular taste. For example, ask questions of people, which are informed by your likes and dislikes, and you will find what you are looking for—sooner or later. I’m sorry you’ve felt the need to leave the church, but it seems your simply forming another kind of church. Because of my theological convictions, reading of scripture, and spiritual experiences, I am convinced what you are currently doing will prove insufficient and unsatisfying. Moreover, it—eventually and inevitably—will have its on set of issues because of our shared fallen humanity—a humanaity, I believe, Jesus died to redirect, reshape, and re-energize. As previously stated, I still have my beefs with the church. Yet, I have spent and will spend the balance of my life trying to transform it from the inside.
beautiful article. And heart-wrenching!
May the Holy Spirit move us all to gravitate toward the Lord’s grace, towards all who need his love, toward all our brothers and sisters….and think less and less about getting away from others.
Painful experiences can soften hearts….or harden them. Ask God to help us all be more open and affirming. Let God manage the judgement. God will take care of that.
Hurting people hurt people. God helps and heals….and cares.